What am I even doing?

With the knowledge that only one person may or may not read this, I am delving into a large problem that has seriously been bothering me. 

I don't know what I am doing. I'm not sure I ever have. I stumbled into architecture without even knowing it because I didn't actually know what environmental design meant. I had never thought of architecture as a future career and I still don't know if I do now. I've always been good at school [one fact I do know about myself]. So, I think that thus far I have been able to get by because I enjoy designing and making things and I have enough school smarts to get through classes successfully. Besides that, I just don't get it. I don't think I'm good at architecture. I don't feel like I could ever be a successful architect. I'm not even sure I'm currently a successful intern. But you can't tell people you don't think you are not good because then it seems like you are searching for compliments and a false affirmation. I've never told anyone that I am surprised I have made it this far. People tell me I have good projects, but maybe that is only because I am terrified to fail and way too transfixed on getting a good grade out of it. I have no confidence in myself. At work, some people take my negative talk against myself as a joke, but I say those things because I honestly believe them. I feel like I have just faked my way through college. That is probably one of the reasons I am terrified to apply to grad school. What if they realize I'm not good? I knew I would get into A&M for undergrad because I was top 10%. It was a sure thing that I didn't have to question. Now, I'm stuck questioning myself more than ever and what future I will have with a career I'm not even sure will exist. 

Bob Borson gave the lecture on Monday about his blog. One message that I heard loud and clear was to be yourself. But how can I be myself if I don't know who I am? I haven't ever dreamed of being something when I got older. I didn't play with legos and suddenly get inspired. I have no story to tell in a world that wants entertainment and answers. So what do I do? Continue "faking it until I make it"? I don't know if I can do that for two more years to get through school. 

All of this is additional reasoning for my stress. I tend to overly stress and stress about stress that doesn't even exist yet. This is because I don't think I can complete the tasks in front of me. I just don't know anymore. 

I know most people have self doubt. I get it, I'm not that different. But this feels like a weight on my shoulders that will never be relieved. 



***This was written in bloggers confidence. Please do not ever say anything to me about the words above.