A Spoonful of Optimism

Well, today didn't suck. Also, the past few days haven't sucked. We came to a facade design conclusion on Saturday [praise Jesus hallelujah]. This has tremendously helped our progress and also brought about the realization that we still have a shit ton of work to do. The positive side to all of this is that I don't feel entirely useless anymore. I was able to get us to the current facade and I have to admit that it made me feel better to be able to help the design along. I'm actually looking forward to Photoshopping our renderings to get the full effect of our project. Downside is, that work happens this Thanksgiving break. I'm not super worried yet, but give me a few days and I'm sure my stress levels will be on the steady rise.

Another Thoughtless Afternoon

The picture James found in class to spark our creativity. Still waiting for the spark.

Another afternoon spent spinning my wheels with nothing to show for it. When did I start sucking so much? Maybe I always have and my partners have just carried me this far. I don't really think that is true, but at this point I'm proving to be no good. I don't feel like I have ever had a more problematic facade than this project. The idea stream has dried up and no amount of google image searching has helped the problem. It is looking like a sleepless night until I have something to show for myself. I kind of just want to curl into a ball under my desk and cry for a good 30 minutes, but that won't get me any further than I already am. So at this point, my butt is glued to this chair until magic starts flowing from my brain to hand to mouse to Revit. Wish me good luck, it is obvious that I need it.

What am I even doing?

With the knowledge that only one person may or may not read this, I am delving into a large problem that has seriously been bothering me. 

I don't know what I am doing. I'm not sure I ever have. I stumbled into architecture without even knowing it because I didn't actually know what environmental design meant. I had never thought of architecture as a future career and I still don't know if I do now. I've always been good at school [one fact I do know about myself]. So, I think that thus far I have been able to get by because I enjoy designing and making things and I have enough school smarts to get through classes successfully. Besides that, I just don't get it. I don't think I'm good at architecture. I don't feel like I could ever be a successful architect. I'm not even sure I'm currently a successful intern. But you can't tell people you don't think you are not good because then it seems like you are searching for compliments and a false affirmation. I've never told anyone that I am surprised I have made it this far. People tell me I have good projects, but maybe that is only because I am terrified to fail and way too transfixed on getting a good grade out of it. I have no confidence in myself. At work, some people take my negative talk against myself as a joke, but I say those things because I honestly believe them. I feel like I have just faked my way through college. That is probably one of the reasons I am terrified to apply to grad school. What if they realize I'm not good? I knew I would get into A&M for undergrad because I was top 10%. It was a sure thing that I didn't have to question. Now, I'm stuck questioning myself more than ever and what future I will have with a career I'm not even sure will exist. 

Bob Borson gave the lecture on Monday about his blog. One message that I heard loud and clear was to be yourself. But how can I be myself if I don't know who I am? I haven't ever dreamed of being something when I got older. I didn't play with legos and suddenly get inspired. I have no story to tell in a world that wants entertainment and answers. So what do I do? Continue "faking it until I make it"? I don't know if I can do that for two more years to get through school. 

All of this is additional reasoning for my stress. I tend to overly stress and stress about stress that doesn't even exist yet. This is because I don't think I can complete the tasks in front of me. I just don't know anymore. 

I know most people have self doubt. I get it, I'm not that different. But this feels like a weight on my shoulders that will never be relieved. 



***This was written in bloggers confidence. Please do not ever say anything to me about the words above. 

The Road Goes on Forever and the Problems Never End

Exterior stair [may or may not be similar to our new idea]

The saying, "if it is not one thing, it is another", seems to rear its ugly head at Greg and I way too much. Last week was full of epiphanies, the largest one being to flip our restaurant and auditorium on the first floor. This has given us a better space for our core layout and seems to be working much better. Now, we are stuck on the auditorium design. I've never designed an auditorium and neither has Greg, so we are finding ourselves stuck. We have to think about previous designs and why they work and implement those elements of design into our own auditorium. Our floor plate magically keeps shrinking [thanks a lot mandatory fire stairs, elevators, and restrooms] and our main lobby and auditorium entrance area is really troublesome right now. There never seems to be enough room for our design direction, but Greg thought of something pretty cool this afternoon that could really be beneficial. We, of course, don't know how the design will play out, but if we can do it right, I think it will be pretty awesome.